Supporting Resources for . . . New Fathers?

So, I'm in East Tennessee this weekend to visit my son and his wife and . . . no kidding, my first grandchild!

My daughter-in-law is going back to work next week. Baby is just about five weeks old. My son is going to be a stay-at-home dad, at least for a little while. He's scared to death. Eaten alive with angst about whether he'll be "good enough." But he shouldn't worry. That little boy of his adores his daddy! Even though he can't quite focus, he follows my son's form across the room, listening intently for his voice. When my son holds him, he arches his neck back to get a better look at daddy's face, at his eyes. Reminds me of this great photo of my late boyfriend and his oldest boy, when his son was just a tiny baby. I never treasured that photo as much as I do now. I can see the same look in my grandson's eyes when he looks at my son.

And my son has every bit as much "new mother" behavior as any new mother I've seen. He doesn't quite want to let my grandson go . . . not to me, not to anyone. He tries to understand and interpret every face the little guy makes. He changes diapers and beats himself up because he gets frustrated when my grandson does what most newborn baby boys do . . . pees in your face.

My son had some pretty hard knocks as a little tyke. More than most. He never really got to experience what a good dad looks and feels like. But boy, does he ever want to be what he never had. So passionately it's almost painful to watch him. Reminds me of one of the reasons I've focused so much of my legal work on fathers. When I started to hit my stride as a family law attorney, my favorite clients were this growing stream of young fathers who came to me, often with tears streaming down their cheeks, saying words to the effect of, "I never had a father, and by God, my child is NOT going to go through what I did!" or, "My father was (fill in the blanks) abusive, violent, absent, and I will NEVER do to my child what my father did to me!" Our own president is typical of this kind of young, committed father. And now, I see the same commitment in my son.

And next week, he's on his own. And he is really scared.

So, who is going to be around to help him? When I was a young mother, there were all kinds of resources for new moms. La Leche League. All sorts of resources just like the ones featured in this link: http://www.newcomersclub.com/tn.html#Johnson%20City

But neither then, nor now, are there very many resources for new fathers, especially those who lack the model of what a good father looks and feels like. Last fall, I took a vacation to my beloved mountains in Western North Carolina. While there, I met a lovely woman and told her all about my work and the young fathers who had inspired me. She almost broke down in tears. "Those poor, young boys!" she exclaimed, "How can they ever know how to be good daddies if they didn't have one?" Then she paused. "I guess they'll just have to rely on their heavenly Father," she said.

Wow! Maybe I don't exactly buy into the theology, but what a concept! Here's a mission for every fundamentalist male in East Tennessee (or anywhere else, for that matter). Instead of judging and denouncing abortion, how about you do something constructive? How about BEING the face of Christ to young fathers in your community? How about mentoring them? How about showing them what a good father looks like? Might be a way for them to see what my mountain lady friend suggested as their "heavenly Father."

Just an idea.

Equal Protection and The Domestic Violence Industry

The resources available to protect women who are victims of domestic violence are staggering. They are also a huge lobby of interest groups dedicated to suppressing information about the actual numbers and effects of domestic violence where men are the victims. Not long ago, a group of men in California won an appeal challenging statutes that gave money to domestic violence programs whose resources and services focused only on women. The California court found that the statute (actually, an exception to the Constitutional clause!) violated the rights of men to be treated equally with respect to the funding of domestic violence programs. You can find the case at: Woods, et al. v. Shewry, et al., C056072 (Cal. App. 10/14/2008) .

In October 2009, a Kanawha County, West Virginia judge struck voided regulations for domestic violence programs. Although I have been unable to locate the opinion and find the news reports of the decision unclear and conflicting, it is worthy of noting that more often, courts are taking a hard, cold look at the way State and Federal monies are spent on programs that violate the rights of citizens to government services, based on their gender. For example, can the Montgomery County Commission for Women be far behind?